guilt

that was the theme of my week. i felt guilty for almost everything i did or didn't do and now the feeling has spread here, to my blog. i had intentions to write an update today, but have run out of time.

here's to a guilt-free weekend.

mbm

my thoughts exactly

"I don't believe that you can have it all. You have to set priorities for yourself. I've always felt that family was the most important thing. That's not a putdown of people who work very hard and are juggling very high-pressure jobs, but you have to figure out what works best for you, and for me, that meant switching off different jobs through the course of my career to find ones that provide better balance for me." —Meredith Vieira

(i miss her terribly on Today.)

mbm

whole again

not to bore you all with the mundane details of my renewed commitment to exercise, but today i took a Cardio Kickboxing class, even though my legs and abs were still smarting from the ass-kicking they took the other day. it's literally been years since i took a class like that—full-on cardio sweat-fest, et cetera—and i'm proud to say i did okay! not only did i not keel over halfway through, i managed to keep up with the circuits. not that i didn't jab when i should have been hooking, or going left when i should have gone right. but, all in all, i didn't embarrass myself. and ohhh it felt so good. today, especially, i needed that outlet.

already i'm dreading the end of this month-long dalliance with NYSC. during the class i was trying to think of ways i could rejoin for good. i can do the elliptical from now 'til the cows come home, but what i really benefit from is taking classes. and they aren't offered at the gym in our building. yeah, there's plenty on Fit TV and god knows i own a dozen workout DVDs. but it's harder to do at home. i just do so much better in a class setting. i'm not distracted by the layer of dust on the bookshelves or thinking about the load of laundry that's been sitting in the dryer that i really should fold, or worrying that Matty will wake up from his nap before i'm done. i'm at the gym, in the studio, and i'm focused. only one thing to do there, and that is sweat.

anyway, i'm wondering... if i impose an embargo on Target for a while, i could probably swing (guilt-free) the monthly dues for enough months to get me back into shape for summer. and perhaps beyond. i just feel like this has been missing from my life—in a big, big way—and i know having it back on a regular basis will do wonders for me, much more than Target trips ever did (but i will always love you, Tar-jay!).

mbm

words of wisdom from Dr. Andy Brown

"the thing about the picture is: how do you look in it? it's not about who you're standing next to or what's in the background; it's are you smiling, are you happy, are you good with the choices that you've made? because if you are, it doesn't matter where you're standing or who you're standing next to...it's a good picture."


i love Everwood. absolutely love.


mbm

a conversation happening right now between my lower and upper body

lower: yo, man, can you believe what she made us do today? i thought that craziness was over with the kid in the picture.

upper: dude, you don't know. we've been lugging around that kid—twenty pounds of him—for months now. in and out of the high chair, the crib, the bouncy seat, the car seat. not to mention swinging him up in the air and wrangling him on the changing table. that class today was easy.

lower: whatever, man. we've gotten quite used to relaxing on the couch, so we're fighting back. wait 'til she tries to get down those subway stairs tonight on her way home. HA! she'll be sorry then.

upper: dude, don't be stupid. we're a lot closer to her head than you are and we know what's going on in there. she thinks you're nothing but forgettable flab and she'll be damned if you see the light of day this summer without some serious transformation. you wanna be stuck in jeans in July? no? then get ready. this ain't no joke.

mbm

just a little note

"c'mon, guys! read my blog!'"

i'm not a big fan of self-promotion, but just a reminder that i'm writing another blog called Hey, Bubba! the posts are written to my son, Matty, but are really all about my adventures in motherhood. 

even if it's not your cup of tea, please—if you have a moment—pass on the link to friends for whom it may be. something i've learned in my nine months of motherhood is that no one understands you quite as well as a fellow mother, and you can never have too many compatriots in the trenches!

mbm

watch out, glutes. i'm coming for you.

i am so giddy right now. so giddy.

last month i saw a special on Living Social for a month-long pass to New York Sports Club for $24. i jumped on it. and i just went across the street from my office and got my guest pass and tomorrow afternoon plan to reintroduce myself (namely, my flabby limbs) to Total Body Conditioning. i cannot wait.

i was a faithful member of NYSC for many years and—as i've written about previously (here and here, for example)—Total Body Conditioning was my weekly ritual. i woke up early almost every Saturday and walked the mile to the Cobble Hill outpost and happily suffered for 55 minutes at the hands of my beloved instructor, David. i only took the class once after i got pregnant, because the one time i did take it, toward the end of my first trimester, made me nauseous and impossibly exhausted and as much as i missed it, i just couldn't subject myself to that again, especially as the bump grew and grew. i stuck to the elliptical and treadmill and, ultimately, just went for long walks outside.

this is all to say it's been a long time since i was a regular gym rat. and yes, we do have a very nice gym nine floors down in our condo building, but i find it virtually impossible to get myself there. mornings are out now, since the hubster is committed again to running (very proud of him) and mornings are the best time for him to go. so while he's out logging miles, i feed and play with Matty, get both of us washed and dressed and ready for the day and then head off to work. the original plan was for me to workout after Matty goes to bed at night, but lemme tell you—trying to find the energy to work out at eight o'clock at night, when you've been up from five-thirty or six o'clock in the morning, is very, very hard. rest these days is almost as important—actually, i'd say more important than—working out, so nighttime exercise isn't practical.

but—i am entitled to a lunch break. and there's a NYSC so close to my office, it's practically in the building. and twice a week, Total Body Conditioning is offered at one o'clock in the afternoon.

SIGN. ME. UP.

well, i am signed up, obviously. in fact, my name is already on the list for tomorrow's class. i just need the work gods to continue cutting me some slack. it hasn't been too hectic so far this year (i just knocked on my head three times to avoid jinxing myself) and i'm hoping it stays that way for the next few weeks. i really just want to get my body back in the groove. i think if i can get myself re-addicted to feeling fit and remind my muscles what they used to be capable of, i'll gain more motivation to work out once Matty's in dreamland.

so, wish me luck. and please say a little prayer that some huge, must-do-now work project doesn't fall from the sky on me tomorrow morning. i really need this opportunity! really, really, really.

a funny side note: after i got myself signed up at NYSC, i popped into Duane Reade to get a new lock, since i have no idea where my old one is and, considering it's been a year since i last used it, i have little hope of remembering the combination. true to January's form, however, Duane Reade was sold out. all the New Year's resolutioners beat me to it.

guess i'm not the only one desperate for a new start!

mbm  

changed my mind

we're nearly a week into 2012 now and despite my assertion that i would make no resolutions, assorted goals keep popping into my mind. i probably won't be able to recall them all at once, so i may record them here piecemeal, but here are a few:

no more rushing. unless it's for my child or someone i love desperately needs me or there's a raging fire nearby, i am not going to rush anywhere for anything. this morning i was rocking Matthew, trying to lull him into his morning nap. Michael had just gotten home from his overnight at work and was already asleep himself and my parents—aka Friday's  Matty-sitters—had not yet arrived. i had a meeting at 10 o'clock that i'd already pushed back until 10:30 and felt myself stressing about getting to the office. and then i looked down at my sweet boy's drooping eyelids, his insanely gorgeous lashes, his perfect little nose. his legs are already spilling over the armrest of the glider; how many more opportunities will i have to rock him this way? and i thought, "no. no meeting is more important that this. this time is a gift." and when i finally left, i didn't exactly amble to work, but i made a point not to rush. and guess what? everyone lived. so: no more hectic commutes or stressing over the clock or worrying about anything stupid.

make marriage a verb, not a noun. no matter how much you read or hear it from other people, no one can really prepare anyone else for the impact a baby has on a marriage. you have no way of knowing until you're in it. and it doesn't even have to be an overtly negative impact, per se (though lack of sleep, hormones and individually-shifting priorities are bound to cause some fireworks now and then). in fact, the change is almost imperceptible. you spend so many weeks adjusting to life with the baby, the baby's schedule, the baby's needs, and then work gets throw into the mix and it's a whole other period of adjustment and then you look up one night while you're sitting on the couch after putting the kiddo to bed and there's another person in the room, and you're all, "i'm sorry, you look familiar, but how do we know each other? " not good. you think, oh, it's OK, we're solid, we'll be fine. we'll have a meaningful conversation again—right after i empty the dishwasher/check on the baby/check my e-mail. marriage takes work. even more work when you're busy working on sixteen other things. i learned that big time in 2011. so i plan to be married everyday in 2012.

pick up the phone more. i am so not a phone person. i don't know why. my dad is not a phone person either, so maybe it's genetic. i will write anyone a 10,000 word e-mail any day, but picking up the stupid phone and actually calling someone just never seems to happen. i really don't have the time for it, usually. i commute underground, so it's not like i can talk to anyone then. and writing a personal e-mail at work is a helluva lot more inconspicuous than making a personal phone call. but—considering i don't get to see my friends as often as i used to, i'm feeling the need to really reconnect. Facebook is great, but it so doesn't count. so i'm going to attempt to be really old-fashioned and reach out and touch someone.  

that's all i can remember for now. i'm sure there'll be more...

mbm

christmas post-mortem

it was magical for him, that's all that matters.

defunct Christmas trees line the curbs, bits of stubborn tinsel shimmering in the wind. guys in gloves and parkas are perched on ladders, removing wreaths and garland from buildings in the city. guilt-laden commercials for weight loss programs abound. all signs indicate the holidays are over, but i'm wondering: is this true? because mine were a total blur and i can't say for sure they actually happened...

it's the craziest thing. our tree is down, i packed away all the decorations, the presents are unwrapped and put away (or, in the case of Matty's, scattered around the better part of our living room). but it all feels like i dreamed it. welcome to Christmas with a kid, a husband with a crazy work schedule and family in three states.

out of the entire previous two weeks, i think my favorite day was Christmas Eve. and not even the actual eve part, though that was very nice. i'm talking about Christmas Eve day. i was home alone with Matty and charged with getting us both packed, dressed and into the city to meet Michael at his office by four o'clock in the afternoon so we could begin our trek to Westchester for the family celebration. the fact that i succeeded—and without any meltdowns or malfunctions—is (clearly) one of my most crowning achievements.

it wasn't just that i got us dressed and onto the PATH. it was that i made (and decorated and packaged) cake balls to bring to my in-laws; it was that i got last-minute presents wrapped and organized; it was that i was able to take a (somewhat) relaxing bubble bath while Matty napped and give my legs a proper shave (c'mon, fellow moms, how often does that happen nowadays?); it was that i kept Matty happy and occupied while i painted my toenails (no time for a pedi); it was that i timed the whole thing so damn perfectly that i had time to stop at Dunkin' Donuts for a much-needed coffee and get on the PATH before the one i had intended to get us on. and that was a genius move, by the way, because getting us—meaning Matthew in the stroller and me with a purse, a duffle bag and a diaper bag in tow—from the 33rd Street station in midtown over to the west side and up 25 blocks on foot proved more challenging than i anticipated. what the hell are so many people doing around Macy's on Christmas Eve? are you all out of your minds?! 

anyway, when we arrived at Michael's office, i felt like i'd run a marathon. not that i ever have, but the simultaneous exhaustion and pride that washed over me seemed a lot like what i've heard marathoners experience once they cross the finish line. and, believe me, i'm not touting any amazing accomplishment here in the grand scheme of things. but considering i'm now always at least a half-hour late going anywhere—and that's on easy days, when putting on pantyhose is not required and when i have the luxury of the car as transportation—the fact that nothing went wrong amazed me. i felt like a superhero, i really did.

but the fatigue from that day stayed with me for the next few, thus rendering Christmas the blur that it was. we celebrated the Eve in Westchester and arrived at my parents' a little before two o'clock on Christmas morning. we were awake five hours later to ensure enough time to open presents and have breakfast before Michael had to head back to work. Matty's sleep schedule was off for a few days (nap? what's a nap?) and let's just say i was very glad that i'd done what i could to relish the entire season rather than put all my eggs in Christmas Day's basket.

it was a nice Christmas, for sure. but i am hoping 2012 brings less complicated orchestrations and more opportunities to simplify. not that i mind being a superhero, of course, but i have a feeling my cape will fray easily if worn too often...

mbm