i never thought it would happen to me

so a week ago i left the city for a glorious long weekend in my parents' backyard, and a funny thing happened.

i realized i may be ready to head to the 'burbs.

i know, i can't really believe it either. but there i was on Thursday morning, stretched out on a chaise lounge in my bikini with a very good book in my hands, nothing to listen to but the sound of little birds chattering and the leaves rustling in the breeze, nothing to smell but the sunscreen i'd just sprayed on and the faint scent of chlorine from the pool. later on, my mother and i went to the grocery store. a place, mind you, that is bigger than my office building, with aisles so wide two carts can pass by each other with ease, and shelves stocked with more than three of everything. the next night i went out to dinner with a friend and our entire bill - drinks and appetizers included - came out to less than sixty dollars. on the drive home that night - with the windows rolled down and my music playing - i felt more at peace than i have in a while. i don't know if it was because i'd been away from work for a few days, or because the air smelled so familiar, like it had every spring during my childhood. whatever it was, it got me thinking about Leaving the City.

in the past, i have only ever thought of leaving during the months of August and February. those are the times when my patience for city living is stretched thin, when my endurance is about shot, and i just don't know if i can do it anymore. but then fall comes, or spring, and i feel rejuvenated for another round. but it's not August or February right now, and to me that means maybe this time it's real. maybe this time i'm actually serious about leaving.

i'm bewildered and relieved.

bewildered because: 1) i grew up in the suburbs, yes, but how will the transition be after living here for so long? 2) how does one afford a down payment on a house after throwing money into the rent dumpster for so long? 3) just how fat will i get when i'm not walking everywhere anymore? relieved because: 1) i really worried this day would never come and my children would grow up without a backyard, so i'm glad now that they'll have a chance to get grass stains on their knees and be able to make a real mud pie; 2) i know owning a home comes with eight bazillion headaches, but dear god, it has to be easier to sleep at night knowing your money is actually doing something; 3) did i mention the grocery stores with the mile-wide aisles and all the items you could possibly want, ever?

of course, i am in the earliest stages of pining for a suburban life. i'm sure there will be setbacks - days when i find a city street i never walked down before, mornings when i run along the promenade, marveling anew that Manhattan is glimmering at me, right there across the river, nights on a rooftop patio with friends and a few bottles of wine, feeling in my bones that life is truly fantastic. but hey - i never said it would be easy to leave. it's just more appealing to me now than ever before. go figure. i must be growing up.

mb