the last day

one of the early morning shows asked their viewers to sum up this year in three words. i couldn't resist coming up with my own options:

• SUCKED BIG DILL
• growing pains - ouch
• how much longer?
• make. it. stop.
• am i cursed?
• gimme a break

i can even do it in three letters:

• WTF?

i could keep going, but i won't. because it's finally coming to an end. actually, it's already over in Australia. obviously this year wasn't all bad, i'm sure someday i'll be grateful for all that i've learned over the last 12 months. but for now, i'm happy to bid it adieu. maybe i'll wave my middle finger around while i'm bidding it adieu. we'll see.

2008 has got to be better. i don't expect my life to change at the stroke of midnight. but maybe before the week is out would be nice... happy new year!

mb

priceless

he's sweet, he's adorable, he's got great dance moves, but if there was any doubt left that Henry and i are related by blood, i think this erases it completely. it was taken yesterday, at a little family shindig in NJ. no one has ever loved a cupcake more. except maybe me.


mb

the marriage myth

Katherine Heigl apparently got married last weekend, and in one of the stories i read she was quoted as calling marriage "a crap shoot." for many reasons, i've been thinking a lot lately about relationships. there seem to be a higher-than-usual number of marriages beginning and ending at the moment, in my own little world and beyond. i've been thinking that no one has any clue how to handle marriage anymore. there are no rules, guidelines, true standards. but i do think that viewing it as a crap shoot is a bad idea.

the last time i saw her, just before the holidays, Sarah and i had a long, fascinating conversation about marriage. we both have friends who have been with the same guy for a while now and are itching to get married. we started out wondering why guys are so slow to pull the trigger these days, to make an otherwise happy relationship "official." but then we got on the subject of why women are so anxious to get married in the first place. do they just want the wedding, the white dress? the security they believe marriage brings? a legal bond before delving into motherhood? because none of those reasons is particularly wise or foolproof. by the end of our chat, we'd basically decided marriage is antiquated, unnecessary, a sham.

and how sad is that?

despite being an only child and quite content doing almost anything by myself, i think life is practically impossible to endure alone. it's just too damn hard and too damn scary. it can also be pretty damn wonderful and aren't wonderful things even more wonderful when they're shared? there's a line from Our Town - i think maybe it's Mrs. Gibbs' - about it not being natural for people to go through life alone. people, she says, are meant to go through life two by two. i wholeheartedly agree with that. and, despite pretty much debunking the institution the other night with Sarah, i wholeheartedly believe in marriage.

the problem is that "marriage" is synonymous now with "inevitable failure." and i think i know why. we're so conditioned, from a very early age, to continually strive for the next level. once we're crawling, we need to be walking. once we're talking, we need to be reading. in school, it's all about passing tests, getting to the next grade, getting to graduation. even in the workforce, you can't just get a job and stay there. it's about raises, promotions, staying ahead of the pack.

i think people have started looking at marriage in the same way. not as a life partnership, not as a long-haul sort of deal, but as one more rung on the ladder of life. once they've reached it, what's next? buying a house? kids? but then what? without any more tangible goals, they get bored. they think something is missing. so they give up. they have an affair, they shut down emotionally, they file for divorce.

i'm not saying that marriage shouldn't come with expectations. it should. just more realistic expectations. i think people need to see marriage in a broader scope. sure, you may miss the single life from time to time, wonder how in the hell you tied yourself to this person when you so clearly can't stand how they fold their socks or brush their teeth or pile their dirty underwear on the floor. but what about the day you get fired from a job you love and your spouse is waiting at home with a bottle of wine and a long, comforting hug? what about having a baby, and having someone to share diaper duties with and watching together as that baby grows into a person? and what about when you're 80 and lying in a hospital bed and that same spouse who's annoyed you so many times through the years is there by your side, stroking your wrinkled face, telling you everything will be OK?

i'm just saying: i think, despite everything, that marriage is good for a lot of people. and it's getting a bad rap these days because people expect too much from it. it's just an agreement, between two people, to be there for each other. that's it, that's all. to give the other person that which you need, too: love, support, friendship, laughter. of course, you have to pick the right person, for the right reasons. you have to pick someone who loves you for who you are, not for who you might be if they squint their eyes and tilt their head a little. someone who makes you laugh, who makes your knees weak from time to time, who makes a great grilled cheese. someone you can have fun with, and fight with, and be quiet with. someone you don't get tired of looking at. someone who makes you think, maybe makes you see things from a different view sometimes, but respects your views all the same. someone - to borrow that famous line - who makes you want to be better.

to me, it's that simple. maybe i'm naive, a romantic, but to me, marriage is still a viable institution, still important, still sacred. it is not a crap shoot at all. and the sooner we can stop looking at it in such a negative light - as another stepping stone to visit briefly before moving on, or something that's bound to crumble eventually - the sooner we all can get on with life, two by two.

mb

"we f*cked up the end game..."

i've seen two movies this month, and both made me want to cry - for very different reasons.

Juno was just an awesome movie and, especially if you're a girl, you're going to cry when Juno tells the kid from "Arrested Development" that the baby kicks every time she comes near him.

Charlie Wilson's War, which i just saw today, made me want to cry out of frustration. it, too, is an excellent movie. it just shines a blazing spotlight on how impossibly retarded and short-sighted our government can be, and usually is. thus the frustration. i swear, it was like watching the prequel to World Trade Center. you could see how it was all set in motion, how it would all unfold. and people were trying to prevent it! smart people who knew what would happen tried to tell the people who made decisions, who made appropriations, what they needed to do, and no one listened. no one cared. they were over the whole Middle East thing by then. they were more concerned with Eastern Europe.

yeah.

i'm easily fired up over this stuff because my brain instantly pulls back, father and farther until i see the big, big picture and i wonder, what the hell is the point? what is going on here? i really just start to wonder who the hell is running this show, how it got to this point, if there's any hope of it ever getting better. maybe this is why people read Us Weekly, and watch vapid television shows. it's easier to tune out this real stuff than contemplate how screwed we are. but the thing is, i really think we are, and the more people who realize it, the better. the more hope we have of getting un-screwed. say, around next January.

Charlie Wilson had a point. we, as a country, had no business letting the women and children of Afghanistan fight the Soviets on our behalf. but we armed the Afghans and then left them with nothing but rubble. and uneducated children. angry, uneducated children. our government makes decisions based on money, on what best serves our purpose in the global marketplace. we are accustomed to being flush, to having everything we need and then some. but what about when that greed, that blindness comes back to kick us in the collective teeth? what have we really learned from 9/11, other than to distrust people who look a certain way, who believe in certain things that most of us barely understand?

i'm just afraid. the situation that quite likely lead to 9/11 involved us stirring the pot in Afghanistan, of rallying and arming the civilian troops, and then leaving them abruptly, with nothing. brings to mind a few other volatile countries we're currently dealing with, don't you think, and forgive me for having zero faith in us learning from past mistakes. he was admittedly seriously flawed, but Charlie Wilson had a lot of nerve, a lot of heart and something that's too hard to come by in Washington these days - say it with me - brains.

we need more people like him making decisions for this country. i really don't see us succeeding any other way.

mb

when all else fails, spin

Scott and Henry came to visit yesterday, as they usually do the day after Christmas. and, as they usually do, they both spent some time spinning on the swivel chair in my parents' family room. below is a video i took of Henry spinning. make sure your volume is on, because i dare your heart not to melt at the sound of him laughing.



mb

time for cheer...

so...contrary to what my previous post probably implied, i am enjoying Christmas this year. i've watched A Christmas Story in bits in pieces over the last 24 hours, all together in its entirety. ("oooh, look at that: fra-geel-ay, it must be Italian!") i also just beat my father in Scrabble for the second time this month. i've also eaten my body weight in hors d'oeuvres since Sunday and my mother is hard at work preparing tonight's dinner: filet mignon roast, twice baked potatoes, creamed spinach gratin, and homemade creme brulee for dessert.

it's a blue Christmas, but it's not a bad one. just wanted to clear that up. enjoy what's left of it.

mb

merry little christmas

my favorite Christmas song ever (aside from "I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas") is "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas." it's sort of a melancholy song when you think about it. i'm not sure why i love it so much. maybe because it's technically a show tune (i think from Meet Me in St. Louis) or maybe because i loved the version by Rowlf and John Denver on the best Christmas album ever. either way, this year it's especially appropriate and bittersweet. i'm clinging to the line, "...next year all our troubles will be out of sight...."

overall, it's been a nice few days so far. on Sunday, my dad's side of the family came to visit and i organized a Chinese auction/White Elephant/whatever you call it. i think family gatherings - when there are no wee ones involved - are better with an activity. well, an activity and booze. if you've got both of those, you're guaranteed a good time. anyway, i thought it would be fun to play that game where people pick numbers and then pick gifts, and then, depending on what number they get, can steal someone else's gift, and so on. nothing brings out the Christmas spirit like taking someone's gift, especially when they're happy with it.

i think the game was a success. once the rules were explained six times, everyone really got into it. go figure, the coveted gift out of the batch was a tome called "The Feckin' Book of Everything Irish." Darren wound up with that (and we learned that if you want to tell someone they're ugly the Irish way, you tell them they're worse than a pig licking urine off a needle or something like that). the gift that provided the most entertainment - aside from the scratch-off tickets that gave my Aunt Joanne more stress than anyone could have anticipated - was the gift i wound up with, a little game based on part of Cranium, where you have to sculpt things, characters, foods, animals, conditions, etc. out of clay and people have to guess what they are. it was a lot of fun, even when my Uncle Tim started guessing "cat turds" for everything.

then yesterday my parents and i went to visit Gram - her first Christmas in the assisted living digs. she was in great spirits, which never fails to put me in great spirits, and very chatty about everything. we talked about the old days (always my favorite part) and about current family happenings. it always sucks to say goodbye and leave her there, but she does seem much more content than she has all year, so i guess i have to be thankful for that.

but somewhere on the drive home i started feeling a little sad. it's hard to say why. i think, after a certain point, a certain age, Christmas is about being with people you love, not about presents - i mean, i think that's what happens if you're doing it right. and this year, so inconveniently, is when i'm feeling that way more than ever. something is missing. (and yes, perhaps what is missing is a home of my own, but i do think it's a little deeper than that.) my dad and i watched It's a Wonderful Life last night on NBC and i've seen it before, but saw it from a different perspective last night. i sort of knew how George felt, standing out there on that bridge. things were spiraling out of control for him. he'd just been praying in the bar, for some guidance, some help, and all he got was a punch in the face. who wouldn't want to give up?

but there's always a bigger picture. there's always a reason to keep going. even when you feel at your lowest, your most worthless, when all you seem to be doing is making a bigger mess of things than making life better for anyone, there's someone who needs you, someone who misses you, someone who can't wait until they see you again. i'm not sure i'd want to see life without me in it, like George did. but i'd love to feel that gratefulness he feels at the end - i mean, he's just so damn happy to see the broken banister. that is a merry Christmas.

i'm trying. i'm really trying to be thankful for the little things. and maybe i will be that grateful when the bigger things fall into place. for now, this Christmas, i'm grateful to be in one piece, to have some kind of a roof over my head for now, and to at least have a few people in my life who'd be pretty bummed if i wasn't around.

mb

ok, i lied

i may still take a mini-break from blogging, but i had to write today because this is how life goes: it pushes you almost to the brink, 'til you think your knees will buckle and you might just stay down for a while, and then it lifts you right back up and reminds you that it's not so bad after all.

last night was my cousin Erin's surprise 40th birthday party at a place called Nicole's in the city. Erin was my idol when i was a kid. she moved to New York when it was my absolute dream to do the same thing. the summer before my freshman year in high school she invited me to come visit for a weekend, and it was the first time i rode the subway, the first time i was in the East Village. when i was a freshman in college, she asked me to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. her reception was at the Plaza. it still ranks as one of the most amazing days of my life. she's an only child, too, and maybe that's part of our bond. but she's always been absolutely great to me - letting me stay at her apartment, taking me out for drinks, giving me advice about jobs, relationships, living in the city. my point is - i was so happy to be there to celebrate with her last night. (it's really insane to imagine that she's 40, considering when we first got to know each other she had just graduated from college. oh dear.)

anyway, the party was fantastic. exactly what i needed: unlimited wine and an incredible band that played nothing i couldn't dance to. i cut loose and oh, did i need it. two of the girls who'd been Erin's bridesmaids were there, as were some of her buddies from business school, and we all had a blast. including Erin, who didn't stop smiling once. my parents came, too (and danced! not as much as me, but close!) and after the party, i crashed on a cot in their hotel room in midtown. i went to sleep tipsy, exhausted and relieved. all i needed was a few hours to get out of my head.

and already i'm a little more in the Christmas spirit: right now "Elf" is on television and i'm baking cookies. yeah, life can't knock me down for long...

mb

i wish i had a river i could skate away on...

four days 'til Christmas and i'm still not feeling it. are you? i'm trying, but there's not much going my way at the moment, which makes it hard to appreciate things like twinkling lights and Christmas carols. i'm really feeling Joni Mitchell right now - if there was a river for me to skate away on, i'd teach my feet to fly. today is my last day at work for a couple weeks, and my last day in the city. hopefully the break will be a good thing for me. fingers crossed.

speaking of breaks, i think i'm going to take one from this blog for a few days. i just seem to be stuck in a blah sort of place and a lot of my friends have told me lately that my blog is depressing - they agree with me, they're just as depressed - but i'm thinking i shouldn't be spreading the wealth in this instance. i'd rather come back refreshed, rejuvenated and with a sunnier outlook on life.

until then, i wish all of you a wonderful holiday. hope it's everything you hoped for.

mb

i'm not the only one

i was feeling a little bad about writing such a downer of an entry yesterday and thought i should find something nice and upbeat to write about today. so i was flipping through the Daily News this morning (always so many upbeat things in there) and found a little blurb about an event that's taking place in the city next Friday. i believe it's called "Good Riddance Day," and people are being invited to Times Square with armloads of bad 2007 memories - pictures, letters, bills, pink slips, whatever. all of it will be dumped into a giant shredder and, according to the person interviewed for the story, pulverized. nice. (no word on whether all items must be made of paper. if not, i'd love to show up with the two brokers who screwed me over...)

then i got to work and checked my e-mail and Kate had written, telling me she read my blog and agreed. "2007 can suck it," she said.

so i'm thinking: i'm not alone here in my disdain. and there'll be plenty of time for happiness and optimism (and upbeat blogs) in 2008. until then, i'll be searching for '07 mementos to pulverize.

mb

year in revi-eww

i'm a pretty big dork, which i think i've more than established here. yet another example: usually every year between my birthday and the new year, i take a little time to reflect on everything i've done, seen, learned, felt, etc in the previous 12 months. (and that usually leads to me writing my wishlist for the new year. huuuuge dork.) it always makes me feel better to write such a list - i almost always wind up feeling happier with myself and my accomplishments than i anticipated.

i thought about the list on my birthday a couple weeks ago, but couldn't muster much motivation to reflect. i thought maybe i'd just skip the list this year. but now the newspapers and magazines are doing all their "best of" and "worst of" and "people of the year" lists and so i'm back to feeling like i should reflect. maybe it's a worthwhile exercise. or maybe not. i know this will sound horrible, but i basically decided on the subway this morning that i hate 2007. i'm over 2007. i can't wait to bid it adieu, actually.

aside from getting a new job that i really like, traveling to Montana and California, and the fact that my hair has grown almost all the way back from last November's impulsive debacle, i'm not finding much to fuss over or be glad about. and yes, those are good things, i know. i am happy with those things, but i also feel like a bit of an underachiever this year. i'm hoping that's sort of normal. everyone has bad years, right? years they'd just as soon forget? years they will think about later and shudder a little? i've tried this year, i really have. i've pushed myself and tested myself and chugged along and focused only on the positive. but right about now i'm a little tired of looking on the bright side, finding the good in otherwise bad situations, looking for another open door when the one i was standing in front of slammed in my face. you know? i'm just sort of done.

thankfully, the year almost is, too.

mb

homes are overrated, right?

it gives me no pleasure whatsoever to let you know that i am still homeless.

another deal fell through on saturday when the broker i was working with told me, "i can't handle you." me. me! apparently he felt that way because i could only send him e-mails on Friday after a certain point (he was the rambling, takes-20-mintues-to-get-to-his-point type and i just couldn't keep getting into lengthy, pointless conversations with him during a busy workday) and also because i left my checkbook in Pennsylvania when i was there for my birthday and i guess he was questioning how together i am. well, you know what, buddy? you try living out of a duffel bag for half a year and every time you need something from your previous life, you have to sort through eight different cardboard boxes just to find it. i bought myself a new wallet for my birthday and forgot to transfer my checks from the old to the new. sue me!

he's probably right, though. i'm a bit of a disaster lately. (so much for December being the best month of my entire life. what is that astrologer smoking?) i made a concerted effort over the weekend to scrape my mind back together and just believe that things will be OK. i think i was somewhat successful. the truth is, that apartment was probably (definitely) too expensive and i'm sure i can do better. there's been a studio situation floating around for the last month or so. i kept shying away from it, but maybe it's the answer. it's much more affordable and it's still all mine. at this point, i'd rather have cash in my pocket than more space in my apartment. what good is all that space if i can't afford to throw dinner parties?

so, yeah. it's about a week 'til Christmas. i've sent out no cards (extremely unusual and unlike me), baked no cookies (extremely unlike me and sad) and decked not a single hall ('cause i got none to deck). i will, however, keep hoping for a Christmas miracle. but just in case, if anyone out there finds a large appliance under their tree next Tuesday morning, save the box for me, eh?

mb

how embarrassing

first of all, my head has been in a constant state of swirling-ness since last weekend, and i'm surprised i had the mental energy to update this blog at all. however, that does not excuse my rampant misspellings and typos. i couldn't even get the headline right yesterday. this is a great source of shame for a writer - someone who edits for a freaking living. my sincere apologies.

second of all, i've been meaning to write about Merriam-Webster's word of the year for 2007. i am not only appalled at the choice, but it seems like it shouldn't even qualify as a word considering it contains two numerals. the "word" - in case you haven't heard - is "w00t." apparently this is a term used by online gamers. i don't know what it means, i think it's some expression of joy or achievement. personally, i think it's stupid. i mean, how is it even pronounced if there are two zeroes in there? it belongs on a license plate or in a text message, not a dictionary. you couldn't, for example, use it in Scrabble, considering there are no numerals in Scrabble. so how is it a word, then, if you can't use it in Scrabble? do you see what i mean? are you outraged, people??

perhaps even more depressing is that "facebook" was the runner up.

just shoot me now, seriously.

mb

completely utterly brilliant

i just got off the phone with Dolch, who has taken it upon herself to find me a new apartment (i'll say it again: i. love. my. friends.) she's been frantically searching web sites, calling agents, wheeling and dealing just for little ol' me. she is amazing. and absolutely hysterical.

she just said to me on the phone, "you've taken us all on this journey with you and i just can't take the stress anymore. you're like the Griswolds when they finally get to Wallyworld - and it's CLOSED." she implied that buying a gun might be in my future. i couldn't stop laughing. she's so right. i've been on this long, cockamamie adventure for so long and for the love of god, there's just no payoff yet. i owe everyone in my life a case of wine or a free cruise or some form of peace and relaxation. eesh.

i did have some luck last night, though. going back for a second look this afternoon. stay tuned.

mb

you kick my ass, i kick yours

in case you're wondering, i have grown a set of iron-clad cojones in the last 48 hours. dealing with the New York real estate circus will do that to a girl. i admit, i'm utterly new to the scene. my roommate on the Upper East Side handled all the business aspects, and the rest of my apartments have basically been shares. so i guess, in a way, i went into this process a little green. now i am the opposite of green, whatever that is. red? that's been the color of my face lately, so i guess that's accurate.

anyway, the latest - for those of you who are following along - is that it seems i'm getting out of the lease and getting all my money back. thanks to Sarah's connections, i got excellent advice from someone in the know and it worked. well, mostly worked. i'm still dealing with the nutbag real estate agent who was screaming at me on the phone earlier, but i've got her over a barrel.

i'm going to look at a new place tonight, with a different agent. no idea how this one will go down, but i feel much wiser now about the whole game, i'm only playing hardball now, baby, and hopefully it'll pay off.

so... so far, thirty-one is not so fun. but maybe all my important life lessons are being crammed into the second half of this year and 2008 will be when the fun really begins. then again, i guess i should know better now than to count on a damn thing.

mb

back by popular demand?

so you know those performers who claim it's their last-ever tour, it's a once-in-a-lifetime event, after this go-round they're hanging up the microphone, packing it in, calling it a day? and then, voila, a year later they're on ANOTHER farewell tour?

yeah. that's me.

i'm writing from good ol' Pennsylvania tonight, but not very excitedly. i got into the apartment last night and it was not ready. far from livable. i'm not ashamed to admit i cried. i am a little ashamed to admit that, out of sheer exhaustion and a good dose of self-pity, i spent about an hour curled up on the (dirty, crappy, so-not-finished) living room floor, coat on, eyes puffy and bloodshot, head on my duffel bag, listening to Diana Krall Christmas songs on my iPod. if anyone had seen me, i would have been hauled off to the loony bin for sure. not one of my finest moments, but the change was just too drastic. only hours earlier i'd been over the moon. after a really good day at work, i went to Home Depot and bought all the proper tools to paint a wall - including a can of Ralph Lauren Surfboard Yellow in eggshell - and could not have been giddier.

so then, to walk into what i walked into... oof.

i've spent the last 24 hours feeling frustrated and stupid. maybe i was too rash, too impetuous. maybe i just was afraid of winding up in another sublet, maybe i was just sick and tired of being homeless. maybe i signed a lease i shouldn't have signed. i have no idea. three calls to my landlady have gone unanswered, so life is pretty much up in the air. again.

needless to say, this is not the mood or mindset i expected to be in only hours from my birthday. but, hey, this is life, right? gotta roll with the punches. actually, right now i think i'm just going to roll into bed. i need to catch up on sleep before the Comeback Tour begins.

yeah, i've never been very good at goodbyes...

mb

just the right kind of puff

so last night the Farewell Tour continued with a stop first at Bar Veloce, to catch up with Kate, Lauren and Dolch. after much wine, two bowls of green olives, two rounds of truffle oil panini (the first had a long, dark hair baked right in, mmmm), strawberries with balsalmic vinegar and that glorious dessert known as nutella panini, we called it a night. Kate just moved into a new apartment herself (after an ill-fated experience at what we referred to as "the commune") and she was kind enough to invite me to sleep over last night. very exciting, because i got to see her brand new place (which is lovely even half-unpacked, so that bodes very well for when she's fully settled) and also because we got to stay up too late talking about lots of life things... love, careers, how glad we are that our eyebrows no longer resemble caterpillars (which they did when we first met in 1994). she set up the sofa for me and was very concerned that i have a proper pillow. she wanted to know if i preferred a flat pillow or a puffy pillow. i told her it was perfect as is and she asked, "is it just the right kind of puff?" not a question you hear every day and i told her i would use that as the headline for my blog today.


this morning i got up after she left for work and got ready alone in her apartment and it felt like a sneak preview of what my life will be like starting this weekend. needless to say, i'm excited. it was all made even more real by the keys i received from my real estate agent today. KEYS! it's official, my friends. happy birthday to me.


probably won't have a lot of time to update between now and Monday, but i will fill in all the blanks then, i promise. happy weekend!

mb

mama mia!

so i left work a little early yesterday because it was snowing and lord knows the mass transportation here doesn't function well if there are too many clouds in the sky, let alone snow falling. on my way to the bus i grabbed a salad from Au Bon Pain in the Port Authority so that i could gorge myself on birthday cake later guilt-free. i got onto the bus easily enough, but the trip itself was on the long and tedious side. (it probably didn't help that i'd sucked down a Red Bull an hour earlier, in preparation for my babysitting duties...) the bus arrived at its destination with no problems, and i trekked across the parking lot (in the snow, in a skirt and boots and no tights - brilliant) to my uncle's SUV. i'd managed to drive it to the park and ride that morning with no problems. but now it was snowing. and there didn't seem to be an ice scraper handy. and it was dark out.

i sat in the car with the defrosters going at full blast for about five minutes and the snow and ice on the windows began to melt. with the wipers going at their highest speed, i put the car into drive and eased onto route 23. i don't drive too often to begin with, rarely at night anymore, hardly ever in NJ. and i know you're thinking i sound like an old lady but really... driving an unfamiliar, big-ass automobile in inclement weather in the dark is a lot to throw at a girl at the end of a long day. so i drove slowly. like 40 miles per hour on a major highway. i was in the right lane, minding my own business, but people were passing me like i was going backwards. oh well. i got to my aunt and uncle's in one piece and without any fishtailing or close calls or any other things that can go wrong when the roads are slick.

i found the two boys with their teenage babysitter, who i swear had her coat on before i even got mine off. Scotty greeted me with, "YOU'RE LATE!" and i said, "cut me some slack, dude, it's snowing outside." i confirmed with the sitter that they'd already eaten dinner and then she was out the door before i could say "nice meeting you" or ask her if she thinks Britney is really pregnant. ah, to be 16 again with so many important, urgent, super-cool things to do.

anyway, so this is the part where i don't know how working mothers manage. no sooner had i put the dressing on my salad than scott was off to attack my birthday cake. he literally cut a big piece for himself and began to carry it out of the kitchen in his bare hands. oh, no. no, no, no. first, i got him a plate and a fork. next, i cut an equally large piece for myself, covered it with saran wrap and hid it on top of the refrigerator where he couldn't reach. (what? is that immature? i'll act my age when i'm 31, ok?) i tell you i did not sit down once as i ate my salad. between keeping an eye on Henry and coaxing Scotty to clean up all the cake crumbs he swept from the TV tray onto the living room floor (and then convincing him that no, that big jug of Tide he lugged up the stairs was not necessary to clean up the crumbs, please put it back in the laundry room before a real mess happens, thank you), who had time to sit?


genius that i am, i'd bought a copy of "Shrek the Third" at Duane Reade earlier that evening when i'd gone to get my Red Bull. i stuck that sucker in the DVD player (er, actually, i asked Scott to do it because a six-year-old is better with technology than i am these days) and it momentarily mesmerized both boys. they were quiet and fixated on the green ogre and that at least bought me four minutes to inhale my stowed-away piece of birthday cake. after that, the madness resumed. pajama time came, and once Scott located his fleece footsie pjs, he was set. Henry, on the other hand, apparently has serious issues with footsie pajamas and was not happy at all to be constrained as such. he struggled as i tried to wriggle him into the onepiece, then pouted at me and grumbled and clenched his fists and kept putting his foot in my face. somehow i didn't understand what he was trying to tell me, but when he finally half-undressed himself, i got the picture. so i had a naked baby (because once the pjs came off, the diaper quickly followed) happily shaking his cute little tush for me and the unsinkable Scott Patrick IN his pjs, but with balloons tied to his body again, and goggles strapped to his face, standing on the edge of the sofa, ready to skydive or something.

this is the scene my Aunt Val returned home to last night. (i was crashed in one of the smushy chairs watching the scene with a mix of bewilderment and vague alarm - an old "X-Files" tagline kept running through my head - "resistance is futile.") she laughed at Scotty's get-up and was a little stunned that Henry wasn't wearing even a diaper, but she took it all in stride and had the kid dressed again in five minutes.


i have all the respect in the world for every mother on the planet, but today especially for those who manage to work AND be a mom at the same time. i do not know how you do it. i bow down. i had a blast with my cousins, i love them fiercely, though i have to admit: knowing all i have ahead of me tonight after work is some wine with a few friends in the city is sort of A-OK with me.

but i mean it: i bow down.

mb

it needs to stop

i'll get back to my Farewell Tour diary later, but i have to interject here about the mall shooting in Nebraska. i read an article about the teenage shooter this morning and i really feel sick over the whole thing. the other day i read an interview with the man who walked into the Clinton campaign office last week, pretending he had a bomb. he told the reporter he did it to raise awareness about mental health issues. whether that's true or not, i thought, what the hell? unstable people have to threaten innocent folks with bombs just to get help for their mental distress? and now this kid yesterday - depressed, dejected, apparently dismissed by his family. he can find no other way out than taking the lives of eight strangers in a shopping mall during the holidays, before killing himself? and his suicide note mentioned him finally being famous?

i find all of this incredibly troubling. are all these people truly in poor mental health? or are they just unhappy with their choices in life and use depression as an excuse? i am a huge proponent of taking care of one's WHOLE self - body, mind, spirit, etc - and i fully believe that mental issues should be treated the same as any physical illness. but something is not right here. i actually feel panicky about it. like there are too many things going wrong and there are so many issues contributing to the bigger picture but no one will stop and think about it. like we're too focused on celebrities and violence and being first, being edgy and cool and wired and rich and thin and perfect... what about having a soul? what about being kind to people? what about being gentle and patient and compassionate? what about having children because you truly want to, not because you think you have to, and raising them to value themselves, to value life, to be good people?

this kid broke up with his girlfriend and got fired from his job at McDonald's. i have ended relationships and been fired from jobs. i think most people on the planet have. so my question is: what made this kid think extreme, awful violence was the answer? who gave him a gun? who failed to look at his face and see the sadness and fear and the storm brewing? i had the same questions after the Virginia Tech shooting earlier this year. what is being done about this, about all the lost souls out there? these tragedies will keep happening unless we do something. innocent, unsuspecting people just going about their lives will die at the hands of another angry, scared person at some point and i can't wrap my head around how senseless that is.

it doesn't have to be this way. i don't have any answers right now, but i swear i am going to think about this and keep thinking about this until i come up with something. i just don't think the world is supposed to be this way.

mb

party central

sometimes i really feel like an eight-year-old trapped in grown-up's body. i get very nostalgic over old toys and games i used to play with my friends and silly things like pencil cases and coloring books. if i'm lucky enough to have kids someday, one thing i will look forward to with a ridiculous amount of excitement is throwing them fun, old-fashioned birthday parties. you know, the kind with streamers and paper plates with characters on them, and a cake decorated with those sugar letters and flowers you can still find in the baking aisle of the grocery store, and paper party-favor bags filled with all the cheap crap kids love. (i still remember this one birthday party i went to when i was small... it was a few streets over, i believe the kid's name was Vincent, he was in my kindergarten class. i wore purple corduroys and a pink fuzzy sweater, and one of the favors in the party-favor bag was a pretty plastic ring. i cherished that ring for a long time and i remember it still.)

anyway. my point is, i LOVED birthday parties as a kid, mine in particular. they were just so... normal, and so much fun. i remember feeling like my head would explode with excitement in the weeks leading up to each party. maybe i loved feeling special. maybe, shy as i was, i secretly loved being the center of attention. maybe i just loved pink frosting. whatever the case, imagine my utter shock and excessive joy when i walked into my Aunt Val and Uncle Mark's house last night and saw that a party was being thrown - in honor of MY birthday!


Scotty had picked out the decorations: a fire truck-themed birthday banner, superhero helium balloons, a plastic tablecloth covered with Tinkerbells (that was Aunt Val's pick), "Ratatouille" paper napkins and plates, mardi gras beads, a Disney princesses tiara (for moi, of course), party hats and those things you blow into so the thing unravels (right). oh, and a cake with PINK FROSTING! and sprinkles!


not only was i excited, i also felt incredibly loved. i'm not having a birthday party this year, which i thought i was more than OK with until last night when i realized that i DID sort of want a party, and i couldn't have asked for a more perfect one than the one my family had planned for me. my Aunt Val did a lovely solo performance of "happy birthday to you" and the boys helped me blow out the candles (ok, well technically Scott blew out the candles before she finished singing, but i appreciated the help all the same).


and i'm telling you... you could have all the money in the world, the best job in the history of jobs, the most amazing apartment available, but true happiness is being a human trampoline for a six-year old and a two-year old. having that six-year old (wearing his feetsie pajamas) snuggle up next to you to watch a movie. hearing that two-year old giggle like crazy as he starts a pillow fight with you at bedtime. oh, you think your heart might burst, really. many times last night i thought to myself, 'no one should be this lucky.'


my Aunt Val reads my blog faithfully, and i want her to know that she is truly fantastic. she always looks out for me, is always there when i need her, and never ceases to amaze me with her thoughtfulness. i also admire her pluck as the mother of two little boys. (last night Scotty had three helium balloons tied to his body and was running around in circles in the living room, trying to generate static electricity. i was watching Val watch him, wondering if the gaskets were about to blow. but all she said to him was, "hey, can you run in a bigger circle? you're making me dizzy." i love it.)


i get to go back tonight and babysit the kids for a while (and have another piece or two of my pink birthday cake). i really can't wait.

mb

apparently, i am awesome

excerpts from my December horoscope on astrologyzone.com:

"What a glorious month! Sometimes everything comes together to create a near-perfect set of conditions for achieving a dream - this is precisely that kind of month for you! If your birthday falls on December 9 and 11, or within five days, you will have a double dip of luck. Soon you'll see that your life won't be quite the same ever again, nor would you want it to be! You seem to know precisely what you want and when you want to see your dreams crystallize. You may have been working toward your goal during much of the past year, and if so, it will be so gratifying to see things shape up so beautifully and on such a large scale. Have a Happy New Year, dear Sagittarius! It looks like a dream dear to you is about to come true!"

it's about damn time!

mb

sleeping around

so the Farewell Tour got off to a rousing start last night at Casa des Dolch & Doug. (i didn't take spanish in school - that's probably totally wrong.) first of all, there was a very sweet dog in a very ridiculous set of antlers:


second of all, there was a pretty hilarious game of Scrabble. (clearly Dolch & Doug knew the way to my heart.) we learned many things during last night's match. for example: you can score many points if you "do" a "ho" (you probably had to be there). we also learned to never challenge the word "crimper." who knew? i lost by about seven points but i can assure you there will be a rematch in the near future.

third of all, we ended the evening with a little play-along "Family Feud." yet another reason to love DVR - it makes recording old FF episodes (with Ray Combs as host, rest his soul) easy as pie. the one we watched last night was doctors versus lawyers. watch out! talk about a smackdown. the real contest wasn't about who could guess the survey responses more accurately - it was about who had the nerdier glasses. good stuff.

then it was time to call it a night, but not before i walked in on Doug in the bathroom. thankfully he was only flossing his teeth, and it was actually sort of funny. i opened the door and walked in like i lived there and his response was a calm, bemused, "hello." i didn't stop moving, just walked right back out. guess it wouldn't be a co-ed sleepover without an awkward moment or two.

i slept well and got ready this morning without breaking anything or flooding the bathroom (always a concern when i'm involved). and when i left their apartment it was flurrying outside. how festive! (of course, then the ride on the N train sucked every ounce of happiness from my soul, but i think i'll bounce back...)

so that was night number one. number two promises to be interesting as well, as i'll be bunking with my favorite shorties, Scott and Henry. i think i'm going to have Scotty read ME a bedtime story tonight.

mb

once again, he makes me happy

last year, on my 30th birthday, Andy Pettitte announced he was coming back to the Yankees. today, just a few days shy of my 31st, he announced he's coming back again. (thankfully this time sans his crotchety friend Roger.) aside from this big Santana thing, i haven't been too into all the baseball news lately. but this bit makes me happy. and even though that dude on "Sports Reporters" yesterday morning made me believe getting Santana is about the smartest thing we - i mean, the Yankees - can do, now that Andy's back, i think i'm a little partial to keeping Melky and Hughes. call me crazy, it's just a gut feeling.

of course, if the Red Sox get Santana, i may take all of next season off.

but, for now, having Andy back is a nice early present. happy birthday to me!

mb

the farewell tour

so today begins the countdown until the big move, and - just to make things interesting - i am embarking on what i'm calling my Farewell Tour: five nights, four beds, one big-ass suitcase. thankfully people who love me are still willing to take me in for a night or two, lend me their couch and their shower (and maybe some toothpaste because i forgot mine). it will probably be an exhausting week, but i'm sure it'll be fun and interesting as well. and, hey, at the end of it all i get to finally move into my own apartment and invite people to stay on MY couch for a change, and this crazy six-month journey will be over at last. what a long, strange trip it's been...

mb

the first snow in my neck of the woods

mb

bite me, saturn

signs that my Saturn Return is ending, even though i just found out about it:

- yesterday afternoon i got the green light to move into my new apartment next weekend. i can't even tell you what that news did to my mood. i was literally breathing more easily, not to mention feeling over-the-moon giddy. whew.

- last night i went to my favorite wine bar with Dolch. we enjoyed ourselves, we said "hell yeah" to a second carafe, to the crostini with truffle oil, to the creme brulee for dessert. the bill came, and either the bartender was sweet on us or really bad at math, because there is no way we should have paid $23 each. it was a lovely little break (and yes, we tipped the bartender handsomely).

- this morning i left the sublet - site of the dead cat, non-communicative roommate, etc. - for good, forever, and oh, happy day. my dad (the best ever, hands down) came and fetched me and all my trash bags full of clothes (hey, it works in a pinch) and i drove back to PA with him, knowing that i will never have to live with another stranger ever again. this is living.

- i went to IKEA this afternoon with my mother and i'd been expecting a madhouse, a stressful scene, but i wanted that $119 dining room set no matter what, so we went. i'm not even exaggerating when i say it was the easiest, most pleasant shopping experience i've had in recent history. yes, at IKEA. i think the key was, it wasn't the IKEA in Elizabeth. it was a different, completely civil, mostly empty IKEA. i found everything i needed (and then some) and the bill was less than $200. it's experiences like this that make me love America. or, maybe, Sweden.

- despite my late night last night, and the amount of wine i consumed, i got myself up this morning for Total Body Conditioning. David was extra-brutal (or maybe i was extra-vulnerable) and so i was feeling spent even before i started moving my stuff out of the sublet, with all the sprinting up and down four flights of stairs, etc. by 7 o'clock tonight, i was exhausted and starving. my parents and i went out to dinner, to this old standby restaurant up the highway, and i couldn't have felt more content sitting in a cozy booth with a cup of clam chowder and a glass of pinot noir in front of me.

so Saturn has clearly been having its way with me all year, but no more. the upheaval is almost over. it's time for the planet to find someone else to pick on.

mb