baby backlash?

so when you're planning a wedding at age 32, inevitably the first question out of most people's mouths is not "how are the wedding plans?" it's "how long will you wait to have a baby?"

i don't mind, really, because of course it's something i think about—almost daily. you may remember my gyno threw me for a loop at the end of last summer when she grilled me on my future plans and got me tested for any genetic blips that might prevent a healthy pregnancy. she just wanted me to be ready once i decided to start trying. (everything came back perfectly normal/healthy, by the way.) 

and of course planning a marriage involves talking about starting a family. (just the other day walking around Modell's, Michael said he wanted seven kids so we'd have enough people in our family to start a baseball team. you can ask him about the look i shot him to convey my opinion on that subject.) 

i have to tell you, now that it is part of our not-so-distant future, talking and thinking about having a baby is sort of exciting. 

Michael has a nephew, Lukas, who's about one-and-a-half and, excluding those related to me by blood, is pretty much the cutest kid on the planet. even cuter is how Michael is with him. he is in love with the little guy, and he's absolutely wonderful with him. Lukas's face lights up when he sees his Uncle Mike, and it's quite obvious how much fun they have together. 

seeing that kind of a thing makes a girl feel ready. 

so what's the problem? this: every person i talk to lately who has kids tells me not to have them. or to think long and hard about it. or to at least, for god's sake, wait a while. they're all proponents of marriage—marriage is great! they say, you'll looove being married—but kids? kids they're not so keen on. 

the subject came up again over the weekend at a family graduation party held in honor of one of Michael's cousins. a different cousin was talking about wanting to start trying to have a baby as soon as she gets married this summer. she asked me when Michael and i might get into the whole baby game and i shrugged my shoulders. "people keep telling me not to," i said. i shouldn't have been surprised to learn that people have been telling her the same thing. 

a few of the moms at the party—Michael's included—piped in then and jumped on the "no baby" bandwagon. "it changes everything," they said. i asked if they would skip the baby-producing bit if they could live their lives over again. i expected a chorus of, "of course not! no way!" but what i got instead was... crickets. 

OK. i know having a baby is one of those things a person can't possibly understand until they've experienced it firsthand. i know playing with Scott and Henry for a weekend comes nowhere close to parenting—i know it's lots and lots and lots of hard work. still, i find this baby backlash incredibly disheartening. what in the world is going on? 

i keep hoping it's just a matter of being really good at balancing, managing, compartmentalizing—and perhaps these people are simply overwhelmed. or maybe they didn't realize the kind of impact a baby has on a marriage (i have been advised, by reliable sources, to always put my marriage first because, when that kid flies the coop after 18 years, it's just you and your spouse again and god help you if you've been invisible to each other all that time.)

or maybe these folks just didn't experience enough of their own life before creating a new one?maybe they feel completely lost now in the shuffle of their kids' needs and wants. maybe they can't shake the feeling that they missed out, didn't chase their dreams hard enough, didn't spend enough time doing what they wanted.  

i really have no idea. but i'm hoping that people are just being dramatic. it reminds me of a story my mom and Aunt Joanne love to tell about my Grandma Beverly. one night many moons ago, i believe either during or after a family dinner, they did their best to get my grandmother to admit that she had, on occasion, wished she'd never had kids (aka my dad and Uncle Tim). everyone wishes that from time to time, they told her. but she refused to admit anything of the sort. she had been grateful and happy every minute of every day of her sons' lives. 

my mom and aunt scoffed at her—they still crack up over Grandma Bev's indignation and what they believe was a bald faced lie—but i think maybe she was being honest. and in light of everything i've heard over the last few months, that kind of unwavering devotion is refreshing. 

especially for someone contemplating—and looking forward to, however foolishly—the world of parenthood.

mb