the other week i was flipping through the latest issue of O on the way to work and came across a review for a book called Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough. the title caught my eye so i kept reading. according to the review, the author—Lori Gottlieb—wrote an article of the same name for The Atlantic Monthly two years ago and it drew such a spirited response that she turned it into a whole book—the newest option on the Self-Help/Relationships shelf at Borders.
when i got to work that day, i searched for the original article online. it's still on the Atlantic website (here) and i was hooked by the end of the first paragraph. Gottlieb wrote honestly and compellingly about her situation—a single mother by choice (by sperm donor, specifically) or perhaps because she had no other choice. she had spent her youth waiting for her perfect mate, discarding perfectly nice and amenable fellas, thinking that Mr. Right was right around the corner.
he wasn't. and the ticking of her biological clock grew ever louder. she thought she'd be fine raising a child solo, but now wishes she had a typical, traditional family. a partner with whom to share child-rearing joys and frustrations. she thinks about all the "rejects" she let go and believes she'd be happier today if she'd settled.
at least she wouldn't be alone.
she wrote the article to encourage women around the age of 30 or younger to stop searching for perfection in a mate—it doesn't exist. and the longer women wait, the less chance they have of finding anyone.
i sent a link to the article to six friends—most of whom are single—thinking that if i had missed the hubbub two years ago when it was first published (apparently Gottlieb made an appearance on the Today show back then to answer criticism pouring in for taking such a non-feminist stance) perhaps they had as well.
and, as it turned out, five of them had. and 90 percent of them wrote back, "god, that was depressing."
it wasn't my intention to depress them, obviously. in fact, i was hoping for the opposite. granted, if i had read the article five (or even two) years ago, i might have had the same reaction. but being on the other side of things now for two-plus months, i have a completely different perspective. for instance, i found myself nodding and smiling at two passages in particular:
first: "Marriage isn’t a passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane, and often boring nonprofit business. And I mean this in a good way."
[i'm still new, but i can see this being very accurate.]
and then this: "It’s not that I’ve become jaded to the point that I don’t believe in, or even crave, romantic connection. It’s that my understanding of it has changed. In my formative years, romance was John Cusack and Ione Skye in Say Anything. But when I think about marriage nowadays, my role models are the television characters Will and Grace, who, though Will was gay and his relationship with Grace was platonic, were one of the most romantic couples I can think of. What I long for in a marriage is that sense of having a partner in crime. Someone who knows your day-to-day trivia. Someone who both calls you on your bullshit and puts up with your quirks."
[yes, yes, yes!]
in my opinion, the most important message in the article—and, presumably, the book—is that most women hold themselves to such ridiculously high standards and project those same standards onto every potential mate they meet. as if a guy with a degree from anything other than an Ivy League (or no degree at all!), or with more hair on his chest than on his head, or who can name every Super Bowl winner but nothing written by Dostoyevsky, is a direct (and unflattering) reflection on themselves.
meanwhile, no human man could possibly live up to such expectations. no one can be everything, and if a guy seems like he is, he's probably lying, covering up something a helluva lot more awful than a nail-biting habit or a Star Trek action figure collection.
and, hey, let's not forget—the same applies to us gals. we aren't now and never will be perfect. we exhaust ourselves trying to be, and it gets us nowhere. and, in the process, we drive our significant others crazy.
we have some annoying habits, too. we do.
bottom line: though i haven't read the book, i'm thinking Marry Him is not about settling for less than you deserve. it's about re-thinking what's most important in the grand scheme of things. it's about looking ahead, planning for the long haul rather than right now. do you want a Ken doll or a true partner? do you want a pristine model with six-pack abs or a best-friend-for-life who actually finds you sexier when you gain five pounds? do you want George Clooney or someone who will actually be there to change a diaper at three in the morning?
ok, yeah. that last one's a little tougher. but you know what i mean.
mbm
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