or, rather, that i seemed friendlier. because (on most days) i'm not mean or thoughtless or rude. i open doors for the elderly and those with baby carriages. i don't shove my way onto clearly packed subway cars. i hold elevator doors when i hear someone coming (sometimes i even thrust my arm between the closing doors and risk dismemberment). i toss whatever i can afford into tip jars of places i visit frequently. i high-five the security guard who mans the freight entrance of my office building. the other day i complimented the new hairstyle of the girl whom i pay for my coffee every morning and i think i made her blush.
so, you know, i'm not a jerk. i just wish i was more open.
example: a little while ago, on my way back from grabbing lunch, i was in the elevator with a girl—a woman? she seemed about my age, but i still think of myself as a "girl" most of the time, is that weird?—anyway, i gave her a quick half-smile as she walked into the elevator and then assumed my normal position of leaning against the back wall and gazing at the TV screen for the latest fun facts or breaking news.
the girl didn't press a button for a different floor, which meant she was going to mine. she didn't look familiar but two seconds later she turned to me and asked, "are you here for the accessories meeting?" i knew about the meeting and two of my co-workers were going but i wasn't able to because of a pressing project. so i said, "no. are you?" she went on about how she was late, coming from visiting a new store outside of the city. i told her i thought it had started late so she was probably fine. she said she was only interested in the portion of the meeting being conducted by my boss' boss. i said, "oh, well, he's always late so i'm sure you're fine."
then she said, "so how are you?" and even as i'm saying, "good!" i'm thinking, oh god this girl thinks she knows me? awkward! and then oh crap, do i know her and just forgot? but then she said, "what do you do here?" i was still in the midst of my panicked thoughts and stammered some answer that probably illuminated not a single thing about my job. "have you been to greenwich?" she asked, meaning one of the company's store locations. "yes!" i said, so glad that i'd actually been there and could speak coherently about something. "it's amazing!"
the elevator doors opened and we both got out. "my name is Samantha," she said, "in case we ever run into each other again. nice to meet you." i said, "nice to meet you too,"—never even told her my name, genius—and we went in opposite directions.
it seems silly now, but the whole situation caught me off guard. why are friendly people so disarming? why do i get so uptight when someone tries to chat with me? i can easily banter with a checkout person at Duane Reade or a waiter in a restaurant, but when it's unexpected—like in an elevator, or on a train, or at the gym—i'm just pathetically, painfully shy and awkward.
and i honestly have no idea why, though it's been a lifelong affliction.
i can't even tell you how many times people who became my friends said they originally thought i was a bitch or a snob. they mistook my social awkwardness for silent judgment or something. which, if you know me, is a little crazy. and most of the time, i don't even realize that i'm not smiling or seeming open or friendly. my shyness seeps through my face, apparently. when i'm nervous or unsure of what to say, it looks like i'm just unpleasant or unhappy.
so awful.
many years ago my Gram told me she wished people smiled more. she said around her office the new, younger people were so unfriendly—a stark contrast to how it was with the old schoolers. "you should smile and say hello to everyone," she told me. this was right before i started my first job out of college and i decided she was right, so i gave it a shot—i remember so clearly walking down a hallway at Seventeen my first week there and smiling at a few people who passed by.
i'm not even kidding—they gave me dirty looks in exchange.
this could have had everything to do with the fact that i looked like a dork in my new Old Navy wardrobe (my entire magazine experience was very Ugly Betty) and came off entirely too eager and earnest and they had no idea what to make of me. or perhaps it was just cooler to be bitchy. either way, i abandoned my Smile At Everyone plan real quick.
but now i'd like to resurrect it. even before today i'd been thinking i should work on my friendliness. i want to be more like Samantha from the elevator. it just seems a nicer way to go through life.
mbm
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